The properties of Star Wars have become so numerous that we find ourselves permanently trapped in a cycle of anniversaries. 2025 marks 20 years since the release of Revenge of the Sith, and next year will be a decade since Rogue One, and the year after that is the 50th anniversary of A New Hope.
Add the regular stream of new Star Wars properties to that rotation, and the result is a level of cultural ubiquity that trickles down to things like, you guessed it, Facebook Marketplace.
In fact, Marketplace is a perfect home for Star Wars because these movies and shows spin off a lot of physical stuff. Some of it is what you’d expect – books, toys, video games, costumes – but they’ve also generated a large amount of promotional material, much of which has made its way to the Facebook economy.
This is how I came upon The First Watto.
RARE STAR WARS LIFE-SIZE WATTO FIGURE ON STAND
$1,800
Let’s go straight to the description here:
THIS STAR WARS LIFE-SIZE WATTO FIGURE WAS CREATED AS AN EXCLUSIVE PROMOTIONAL DISPLAY BY PEPSI AND PUBLIX SUPERMARKETS FOR THE 1999 RELEASE OF THE MOVIE, STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE.
PEPSI CONDUCTED A RAFFLE IN WHICH THE WINNER RECEIVED THE DISPLAY.
- ORIGINAL WINNER / OWNER
- STAR WARS LIFE-SIZE WATTO ON STAND IS APPROX. 6FT TALL
- ALL ORIGINAL WITH STEEL BASE AND SUPPORT RISERS
- EXCELLENT CONDITION
- GREAT COLLECTOR ITEM
- CASH ONLY
- ALL SALES FINAL
(As a very brief aside: “life-size” is really tickling me, considering we’re talking about a character who only exists as a computer-generated image. This isn’t like R2-D2 or Chewbacca, where we can look at a physical costume. Liam Neeson was negotiating with a tennis ball on the end of a telescoping pole.)
The photos reinforce the physical presence of this Watto. You can’t subtly add this piece to your memorabilia collection; it must be the centerpiece of whatever room it is in, drawing eyes and attention from all who enter. “Go ahead,” you tell your guests, “walk on up and gaze into Watto’s belly button.”
Had this been the sole six-foot Watto I scrolled by while perusing the Marketplace, I probably wouldn’t have written about it. Part of the Star Wars business involves pushing new characters and creatures into our consciousness. Someone decided that fans would come to love a flying blue human trafficker with a gambling problem, and they were not entirely wrong. I don’t want to spend $1,800 to house this, but the Star Wars fanbase is large enough that there’s a good chance someone else does.
And then I stumbled upon The Second Watto.
Spider-Man and Watto Star Wars price separate
$3,500
This listing doesn’t come with the same backstory as Watto 1; the only information this seller will give you is that this Watto will set you back $1,800. (The Spider-Man costs $3,500 by its lonesome.)
My first thought was that this had to be a duplicate listing. But Watto 1 is listed in Dacula, Georgia, a small town just west of Athens. This Watto calls Chapmanville, West Virginia home, and the two are just over 400 miles apart.
Kind of a weird coincidence! We know from Watto 1’s description that this object wasn’t mass produced, so there can’t be that many Dangling Wattos out there in the first place. But maybe there’s no connection between these two that went up for sale on Facebook around the same time.
To determine that, I needed to use one of the diciest parts of Facebook Marketplace: the search function. This is where two truly unfortunate systems collide.
The first is incredibly human – people have to fill out the key data and categories when they list something for sale on Facebook, which means we are relying on them to do so with precision and thoughtfulness, qualities not widely ascribed to Facebook users.
The second is Facebook’s technology, which I have no direct information on. I do, however, understand Facebook’s general approach to users to be “fuck you we hate you,” and I think the search function continues that proud legacy.
For example: here’s what I get when I search for “orlando magic jersey.”
Things start promisingly with two items that fit my query, but then things fall off a cliff. Somehow, Facebook has decided what I really want is a military-themed hockey jersey, or a Titans jersey made for Harvey Dent. Were you to keep scrolling, you would find more jerseys that fit my original search, but they are buried underneath items like a Nickelodeon All That jersey. It is a deeply untrustworthy system.
But it was the only tool available, and it pointed me toward The Third Watto.
Watto 1999 Pepsi original Star Wars episode 1 toy life size figure vintage authentic
$1,400
Three Wattos is just too many at once. Because this one’s in Cookeville, Tennessee, we can now draw a triangle using the Wattos as our vertices. Maybe, just maybe, there’s some message we’re meant to draw from these three items.
Holy shit. Watto’s a Vol.
This entry represents the end of Assigned as a paid newsletter. You may have noticed output dipped a bit here and there over the last couple of months, and that’s because Steven Godfrey and I have been working on a new podcast production company, Falcon Scott Productions.
We have a new show out called Phantom Island, a weekly discussion podcast where we kick around questions one or both have us have been thinking about in the sports world, and we’ll be doing more big projects like Who Killed College Football?
The archives here will remain up and open to everyone, but I don’t expect I’ll be publishing much going forward, which is why I’m winding down subscriptions. If you helped contribute to my work, thank you from the bottom of my heart. (If you’ve got an annual subscription with some time left on it, you should be getting a prorated refund before too long.)
Thank you again, and please come check out Phantom Island when you can!
- Ryan
I will sorely miss these hilariously deranged dives, but am excited about Phantom Island!