The 2024 Midseason NFL Vibes Rankings: NFC Edition
More vibes, even less ball
Having already assessed the vibes of every franchise in the AFC, let’s do the same for their NFC counterparts. (Please note: the following ranking was compiled before Thursday night’s game between Washington and Philadelphia, and we reserve the right to disclaim anything we ever said about either team, both now and for eternity.)
1. Detroit Lions (8-1): When Aidan Hutchinson was lost for the season a month ago, I had concerns that the Lions were about to watch their vibes crater. Instead, Detroit has won four straight, including two late comebacks against the Vikings and Texans. Dan Campbell embodies the energy of the dudes from Predator if they were having the greatest bowling night of all time instead of being picked apart by an interstellar game hunter. Ideal vibes, no notes.
2. Minnesota Vikings (7-2): One element left out of the Jets entry in the AFC Vibes Rankings: that franchise has to flail around at the bottom of the standings while two of their unwanted quarterbacks from years past, Sam Darnold and Geno Smith, seem to be doing just fine. Darnold, the more recent New York castoff, has largely dispelled any Kirk Cousins FOMO, and Kevin O’Connell is the most supportive Peloton instructor you’ve ever met.
That’s after the Vikings barely beat a Jaguars team starting Mac Jones! COACH SAID WE’RE GONNA WIN STATE, AND GOSH DANG IT – I BELIEVE WE WILL!
3. Washington Commanders (7-3): In the entirety of Dan Snyder’s odorous reign as franchise owner, Washington never won seven of their first ten games. It is an absolute delight to behold the success of the Commanders and likely Offensive Rookie of the Year Jayden Daniels without a single shot of Snyder skulking around the owner’s box like the Ghost of Christmas Soon To Be Ruined By Food Poisoning.
4. Green Bay Packers (6-3): Not to make everything about the Jets (though that would get me a pretty decent gig at ESPN), but the Packers get to enjoy every bit of “told you so” when it comes to Aaron Rodgers while also successfully transitioning to their next franchise quarterback. I’ll concede it feels weird to put a team that might finish third in their division this high, and if Green Bay misses the playoffs for the second time in three years, I do not expect this ranking to hold at all.
5. Arizona Cardinals (6-4): Four straight wins have the Cardinals on top of the NFC West. Correction: four wins in a row and some mighty struggles from the rest of the division have the Cardinals on top of the NFC West. The defense has improved from “Burger King fries you left in your car overnight” to “Burger King fries just handed to you fresh.” Do not let the NFL’s always-on media machine trick you into thinking it’s automatically bad that the nation is not regularly thinking about the Cardinals.
Sometimes you are overlooked simply because your house is not on fire!
6. Atlanta Falcons (6-4): Somebody has to win the NFC South, and the other participants don’t seem especially interested in doing so. Much to the chagrin of many sportswriters, the decision to sign Kirk Cousins and draft Michael Penix Jr. has not created any real drama. Sure, Atlanta’s pass rush and my retirement plan have the same problem (they aren’t real), but we don’t have to dwell on those problems! Note: the most recent loss to the Saints may have created a slow leak in vibes. We will monitor for further updates.
7. San Francisco 49ers (5-4): There are two ways one can interpret “Deebo Samuel got into it with his team’s long snapper on the sidelines.” The first is that the 49ers are a mess and the whole thing’s about to collapse into a snarl of finger-pointing and backstabbing. The second is that the 49ers know they should be better than their record and are holding themselves accountable, albeit in ill-advised manners and forums. The simplest way to determine the correct path is to look at the result of the game where this dustup occurred. Because San Francisco won – and did so on a field goal at the buzzer, good job long snapper – we have to conclude interpretation two is the valid one for now. The return of CMC should only be a vibes plus.
8. Seattle Seahawks (4-5): You’re going to tell me that Seattle’s been too much of a mess to rank this high, but consider this essential truth:
If your team is built on “life is an unknowable mystery and we’re just along for the ride,” your vibes are far less dependent on piddly things like game outcomes. The Seahawks remind me of how disquietingly normal the citizens of New York City are about suddenly having ghosts everywhere in Ghostbusters. (This would explain why they elected Eric Adams, though.)
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6): Here is a sentence that would have seemed impossible two years ago: Tampa Bay is squandering the best season of Baker Mayfield’s career. That means they have three possible futures.
a) The Bucs get it together on defense and cease said squandering
b) The Bucs get it together on defense but watch Mayfield start to struggle
c) The Bucs continue to struggle on defense and, on top of that, Mayfield stops playing well
Only one path ends with positive vibes for the Buccaneers, but you don’t move to Florida because you’re awesome at probabilities.
10. Philadelphia Eagles (7-2): Trapped in vibes hell, Eagles fans desperately want to be rid of Nick Sirianni … but his team keeps winning, often in unbearably narrow fashion against the likes of Cleveland and Jacksonville. In this way, Sirianni has somehow become the ultimate Eagles Fan: as annoying as he is impossible to be rid of. (I am allowed to say these things as someone who adopted the Eagles late in life. Go Birds.)
11. Los Angeles Rams (4-5): Maybe this is unfair, but watching a Rams game often reminds me that football is just a job like any other, and aren’t there so many other things to do and experience out there? I bet Sean McVay could train to become an amazing pastry chef if he wanted to!
12. Carolina Panthers (3-7): I’m not even sure how to process Bryce Young playing significantly better after getting his starting job back thanks to Andy Dalton getting into a minor car accident. Insurance claims should not be adding to your vibes, and yet, in Carolina, that’s somehow true?
13. Chicago Bears (4-5): It’s useful that you can pinpoint the exact moment when this Bears season spun off the mountainside.
Since this play, the Bears have scored zero touchdowns and fired their offensive coordinator, and they haven’t even played the Lions, Packers, or Vikings yet. In a city full of sports frustration, the Bears remain an impressive factory of regret.
14. New Orleans Saints (3-7): On the plus side, they got to fire their coach. On the negative side, they’ve already fired their coach. We seem to be in Year 7 of “the Saints are the entire economy of France over the salary cap next season” without New Orleans ever having to actually pay that piper, which might be a testament to the power of their financial bullshittery. “I will be using this airboat as collateral on a loan to buy another airboat, who dat.”
15. New York Giants (2-8): Like the Titans, they let their franchise running back walk out the door. Unlike Tennessee, they’re stuck watching Saquon Barkley succeed in their own division. Related: Daniel Jones is the quarterback equivalent of driving with your emergency brake on. The Jets are not on the schedule this year, which frankly might be a blessing as the Giants could lose a spelling contest to a spam email generator.
16. Dallas Cowboys (3-6): CONSTANTLY IN A FIGHT WITH THE SUN, THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH. If you thought the Cowboys were underachieving in the playoffs the last three years, the good news is you don’t have to worry about that problem this season. But because Dallas has embedded itself into the editorial priorities of any media company that covers the NFL, we will have to hear about every point of friction and failure, which will create more friction and failure as the Cowboys are forced to comment on these stories. That’s right: Dallas is the perfect Perpetual Bad Vibes Machine.